Woman of Essence

Catching Up

2011-08-26T05:57:00.000-05:00

I can hardly believe it's been over three months since I've written a blog post here. I have been so busy that time has escaped me. Just a quick "catch up" on recent activities in my life:

Lifestyle changes in diet and exercise have helped me lose 42 pounds in 3 1/2 months. I am well pleased with my progress thus far. I have become much more physically active- I exercise regularly now. Weight-training, walking and swimming have helped me build strength and endurance as well as boosted my energy levels. The weight loss has helped to alleviate some of the pain in my back and knees. I feel better overall- physically and mentally. A few weeks ago, I went shopping for new clothing and actually enjoyed it! I am no longer "hiding" my bulges in oversized shirts. I still need to lose more weight but I am well on my way :)

My son was released from jail in late June. He has made some progress in his battle with drug addiction yet the road to freedom from his addictions is a long one and he has just begun. Only time will tell if he will stay the course. He talks about his desire to enroll in college and seek gainful employment yet when it comes down to actually taking the steps to do it, he lacks motivation to follow through.

I am presently concerned about my youngest daughter. I don't see her much these days but when I do, she is usually intoxicated. Her drug abuse has become more frequent and intense. She drinks less alcohol but takes more pills. She has also begun wearing Fentanyl patches because she states they help control her back pain. She is working over 50 hours a week and spending most of her pay on narcotics. When I voice my concerns about her drug use, she becomes angry and defensive.

Meanwhile, I go on with my life. I think of my loved ones that are troubled with addictions and pray that they will eventually seek help and understanding. I am here if they need an ear to listen or a word of advice. I can not change the choices they make. I can change ME.

Limit Reached

2011-05-15T09:12:00.000-05:00

I knew something had to be done. My son was becoming too bold. Instead of stealing 40 or 50 dollars from me at one time, it was now 100 dollars. What would be next? His lies and manipulation continued. He knew he could get away with it…there were no consequences for his behavior. He knew I would be angry for a few days then I would allow him to slide right back into my home and heart again.

I had grown increasingly fatigued from the emotional cycle with him. My heart was turning cold. His words meant nothing to me anymore. He made promise after promise of changing his life, promises that he never intended to keep, promises that he made just to ease his guilt at the moment. He promised he would seek employment. He promised he would never put another needle in his arm. He promised he would spend time around friends who would encourage him to change for the better. He was in denial. He was powerless to change and didn’t realize that yet. The addiction was too strong for him to handle alone, yet he wouldn’t seek help. He wouldn’t commit to rehabilitation.

He had been avoiding the police as much as possible for several months. He was in parole violation and contempt of court. We had a terrible argument Thursday night. I could not deal with his behavior anymore. I was at the end of my limit. His behavior had disrupted my life and those around me.

On Friday, arrangements were made with the local sheriff’s office to have him arrested and placed in jail. The judge said he would remain there for a minimum of six months.

This is the first time he will do jail time (for more than one day). I will not bond him out. I am deaf to his pleads for release. He will be forced to serve his time behind bars. He will be forced to dry out his drug addiction the hard way. He chose this road, now he must travel it. He will have nothing but time… to think about where he has been and where he is going. He will know what life is like behind bars with no freedom to do what he pleases, or chooses to do. His every move will be monitored. He will have no cell phone and no internet. He will have no friends.

I know he will be ill for a few weeks from withdrawal. He will go through the mental rage, the physical symptoms of chills, vomiting, diarrhea and intense pain. My heart hurts to know what he is facing. Yet, my heart hurts more when I think about where he was going without intervention.

I pray that this time away will strengthen him in the end. I pray that he will come to realize what he needs to do to get his life back on track.

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T03:51:00.000-05:00

In the few years before Mom passed away, our relationship steadily declined. Mom had changed. Health problems and depression were key elements in her personality change. The once adventurous woman seemingly turned into a bitter stranger until just a few months before her death. I was going through a lot of changes in my own life and felt overwhelmed by the pressures of life’s troubles. She and I exchanged some bitter words during those last few years…words that cut me to the core and caused emotional pain and anger. I do regret that our once loving relationship had progressed to such bitterness. I’ve had to learn to cope with the guilt since her sudden death nearly four years ago. Furthermore, I have come to terms with the reasons for some of her behavior and my own response to it. Gradually, I’m learning to let go of the guilt.

I miss Mom. I miss the woman she was before she began giving in to heartache and illness. She was strong, courageous and daring. She took on life full-speed ahead. She gave us her all. Maybe, just maybe, she was worn out. She didn’t have the strength to fight it anymore. Mom demanded attention. She was lonely. She was unable to do those things she once loved doing…painting and traveling. Small tasks became cumbersome for her such as writing out checks for her monthly bills. Eventually she was unable to drive herself to the grocery store or doctor’s office. She was angry because she had to depend on others for help. She was angry because she felt neglected. I was the one- the one she chose to lash out at, the one who heard her verbal expressions of anger. Often I would leave her house with tears rolling from my eyes and my heart broken into.

Yet I feel grateful when I look past those last years, into the years before. During my childhood and most of my adult years, I was blessed to have Mom. She was my counselor and my closest friend. She was honest, forward and hard working. Although she withheld tender affection, I never doubted her love. We had a wonderful relationship and I have so many warm memories of those years. It is those memories that I treasure dearest.

Since Mom’s death, I have occasionally felt her presence within my spiritual being. For three days after her death, I felt her presence with me, like a warm glow inside my chest. I felt she was at my side, so close that I could just reach out and touch her. There was a quiet peace within my soul but a sadness in my spirit, if that makes any sense. When she was buried, the warm glow faded until it was gone, like a candle flickers in the wind until its flame is gently extinguished. Recently I was in great pain in my legs, so much so that I was having difficulty sleeping one particular night. While dreaming, Mom came to me and comforted me- I dreamt that her arms were surrounding me and she was holding me, softly whispering to me, telling me to release the pain and I felt her fingers run through my hair. I felt her presence so strongly that she was still with me when I awakened. Her spirit surrounded me in my room. I wept because I missed her. I smiled because I felt her. It was bittersweet.

I miss her today. Mother’s Day. I would have gone to see her, to bring her flowers and spend some time with her.

I will still do that.

Happy Mother's Day to you all. May your day be blessed with love, kindness and beautiful memories.

Distant Love

2011-05-06T09:45:00.000-05:00

your scent has faded away,
your smile, your laughter
and then I wonder
if maybe you were just a dream

but as time drifts by,
your presence remains in my spirit,
growing stronger, fighting for breath.

i’ve heard that distance does to love
what wind does to fire…
it extinguishes the weak and feeds the strong.

sometimes my lonely fingers trace
the map lines of the miles between us,
and I wonder how many more seasons
will I be here without you.

as another season passes
i’ll convince my lovesick heart
far is not far,
love travels on the wind.

National Nurses Week

2011-05-05T04:29:00.000-05:00

'Being a NURSE means you carry immense responsibility and very little authority. You step into people's lives and make a difference. Some bless you, others curse you. You see people at their worst and at their best. You see life begin, end and everything in between. You see people's capacity for love, courage, and endurance."

So true...Nurses see a little of everything! National Nurses Week this year begins on May 6th and ends on May 12th. If someone you love is a Nurse, let them know how much they are appreciated :) Most people do not truly realize what goes on behind the scenes for a Nurse on-duty.

This month marks my 18th year of Nursing. Except for the very first year after graduation from college, I have never regretted my career choice. I feel though I'm doing exactly what I was called to do.

To all my fellow nurses out there...Happy Nurses Week!

Boundaries Crossed

2011-03-21T14:37:00.000-05:00

I love nature. I love most of the creatures that share this planet with us. There are certain ones, however, that I can not tolerate being around. Among those are most bugs, spiders and snakes. They have their place on earth and I prefer they stay within their own boundaries. But because we all share this planet, sometimes boundaries get crossed and the end result is usually some form of tragedy, for either the human or the animal.

Last week, a den of snakes was discovered in the enclosed sun room of our home. Because the sun room is carpeted and enclosed, my son had been using it for his bedroom. Initially, we thought that perhaps the little snake had come in through a tiny opening near the door. While we were scooping him up into a bucket (with a lid, of course), another one was seen stretched out upon an exterior ledge near the sun room. We realized it was time to investigate further. Where were these snakes coming from? Were they venomous or not? Are there more? Since the first one was discovered along the carpet line, we used the shovel to peel back the loose carpet edging enough to peek underneath. Sure enough, there was another snake lying between the carpet edge and the wall. I was getting anxious. How did they get there? What if my son had been bitten? Or one of my grandchildren? Or my little dog? I needed to know if they were venomous or not. Surely we might encounter more of them. I took some photos of them and asked some of my friends. Of course I received several different opinions of what type of snakes they are. However, most agreed they are rattlesnakes, most likely timber rattlers. I called a few local exterminators, none of them handle snake infestations. If they were nonvenomous, I planned to take them into an isolated rural area and let them go. However, since I knew they were venomous, I could not release them like that.

My brother, sister and son took up all of the carpet in the sun room. Underneath the carpet were several large holes in the concrete foundation- that is how the snakes got in. Perhaps the mother crawled in and gave birth to the little ones there, and they hibernated beneath the warm carpet all winter. With the days getting warmer, they were coming out of slumber. In all, we gathered five snakes, about a foot long each. The next day, another was discovered in the bedroom adjoining the sun room. That one met death by a shovel blade. My sister really freaked out when her daughter ran down the hall screaming, “Mommmmm, there’s a snake in my room!”.

My friends thought I was crazy for not killing all of the snakes. Several of them said they would have moved out, that they couldn’t stay in a house with so many snakes. I don’t want to move out. I like this place.

My landlord took the snakes to someone he knew that raises rattlers. When they are adults, they can be sold to companies that produce anti-venom. He then hired someone to repair the holes in the concrete foundation and instead of replacing the carpet in that room, I chose to paint the concrete. We did an extensive search for more snakes inside our house and around the exterior of the house as well. We are also clearing away the brush that had grown up around the house and yard. We are working to make our place uninviting to snakes. If we continue to encounter the deadly creatures, then we will consider moving out. But I’m not leaving without a fight.

Of Leaving Pieces

2011-03-03T11:47:00.000-06:00

Understand this: that love is a religion

of birds, of restlessness, of flight.

Of moving somewhere warmer when the cold sets in,

of longing, of leaving, of being

the one left behind, of feathers,

of an empty nest in the heart of winter,

nestled in some firm elbow of brittle branches

that stopped reaching for the sky when the last

leaf fell, bleak against a landscape of

blacks and whites and greys save for one

little piece of red string,

tucked lovingly among the twigs,

so dutifully gathered, piece by piece,

by a creature who had seen winters before,

but made a home for himself here anyway.

by this-epiphany, deviantart.com

There Are The Birds

2011-03-02T12:19:00.000-06:00

Despite the woes the world may fling
A faint hope stirs inside of me:
Tomorrow the birds may yet sing

No misery mine shall long sting
No trouble stays permanantly,
Despite all the woes the world may fling.

There is an echo of something
In my mind that brings hope to me
Tomorrow the birds may yet sing.

And nothing assails my hoping
heart; and that is what sets me free
Despite the woes the world may fling.

Even in my hardest falling
My eyes gaze forward longingly
Tomorrow the birds may yet sing.

And thus my hope keeps me going
After winter spring i shall see.
Despite all the woes the world may fling,
Tomorrow the birds may yet sing.

Author: Jude Boi

Birds Welcome Here

2011-03-01T14:37:00.000-06:00

Spring’s approach has revived my spirit. The weather has been unusually warm for the month of February here in the deep south. I’ve wondered if this is an omen of a scorching hot summer. Time will reveal the answer, but for now, I will enjoy these beautiful sunny days with temps in the 70’s range.

My sister and I placed bird feeders out and filled them with seed, then waited. It didn’t take long for the feathered broods to find this “welcome mat”, a free source of food. Within two to three days, there were birds of several species feeding on the goodies in our back yard. One of the feeders is strategically placed so I may have a clear view of it from my bedroom. I keep the draperies pulled back just enough to enjoy the view of the outside world. I’ve also enjoyed leaving the exterior doors open while awake so I can hear the songs of the birds and feel the refreshing breeze blow in.

In the wee hours of the morning I enjoy sitting in my chair on the patio while sipping on fresh brewed coffee and watching my feathered friends as they travel to and fro, from the feeders to nearby trees. Glimpses of color skip along barren branches. Songs echo in morning air. When daylight peeks from behind distant trees, the tenor of crickets fade, allowing the birds to take center stage… until dusk calls them home again.

Daffodils

2011-02-20T10:19:00.000-06:00

"Beneath the dead decaying leaves

A bud does wait anew

To reach its arms up to the sky

When winter days are through."

What a beautiful day it was

The sun's rays gently caressing my skin

Spilling warmth upon the cold earth

A half glance west and

I would have missed them

Daffodils...

Seemingly overnight they had appeared

Peeking their snow white heads

From decayed beds of wooden mulch

Daffodils...

First sign of Spring

A promise kept

Hope reborn

I could always depend on Spring

To keep her promise

To bring me beautiful flowers

To blanket me with Warmth

To restore my Spirit

To help me remember Hope

Sheets of Grey

2011-02-17T02:50:00.000-06:00

Somewhere between the present
And revelations of the past
I stumbled upon self reality
I wonder when it all began
I love who I am but
Sometimes hate the same being
Choices I’ve made, haunting and joyous
Is there balance between them?
Or just a numbing neutral?
I have lived the life more than a million others
But have half the life of a million more
Each day I walk among those masses
Of friends and strangers
Happy to be here but
Apathetic all at the same time
This week the same as the last and the month before
Knowing, just knowing the months ahead bring more
Hundreds of instantaneous tasks become repetitious
Weekends to celebrate with friends I know
Which I don’t really know
I joke and laugh to keep the group amused
But at the end of the day no matter where I stay
I rest amongst sheets of grey

Your Hands

2011-02-16T14:24:00.000-06:00

i like your hands
and all the lines in them
the way they feel on my skin
my cheek
the back of my neck
and around my waist
and the way your calloused hands somehow have
the softest touch i have ever known
i like when your fingers are tangled with mine
and how warm they are
and how i involuntarily shiver as my own hands
make the transition from cold to warm

Reflections of Personal Growth in 2010

2011-01-01T12:43:00.000-06:00

As I reflect upon the year past, I feel grateful for so many things. Most importantly, I am grateful for the life lessons- the personal wisdom I’ve gained by examining my inner self and how my behavior is but a reflection of my thoughts and feelings. As most of my readers already know, the past two years have been an emotional roller coaster filled with ups and downs as I’ve ventured into the depths of my mind and soul, and also as I’ve attempted to deal with the drama of two of my three adult children.

I have learnt that it is not within my power to control another’s thoughts, feelings or behavior. I am accountable only for my own thoughts, feelings and behavior.

I have learnt that I do not have to allow the negative behavior of another to bring me down. I can focus on the positive things in my life and feel grateful for them which brings a feeling of contentment.

I have learnt to accept that there are days when I give in, when I just feel like escaping everyone and everything, when life seems unfair- but I realize that those negative feelings are temporary, and tomorrow is a new day.

I have learnt that my personal happiness begins with accepting myself, along with my imperfections. I am learning to love myself, to embrace who I am as an individual.

I have learnt that it is easier to live one day at a time. Don’t look too far into the future, for it isn’t guaranteed. Situations change. People change. I will change. Don’t live in the past. Be grateful for the good times and the memories, cherish them. Remember the lessons learned from the hard times and let go of the emotional pain and guilt.

I have come to accept that I am continually a work in progress. Life has many more lessons in store for me… I just have to be open-minded and willing to take the necessary steps to benefit from them.

In the past, I used to always think, “I sure hope this year is better than the last one”. I used to think how happy I felt to see the old year gone because I was convinced that the new year would be better. I have come to realize that the new year could actually be much worse instead of better. As I sat down at the dinner table yesterday evening, I thought “I feel blessed to have had another year of life. The coming year is uncertain, as is the future, so I only hope for strength to face new challenges.”

I’m not one for “New Year’s Resolutions”. I do set certain goals that I would like to see met for the new year. For 2011, my goals are to lose weight (of course, that is on my list every year, lol) and to eat healthier; to set and maintain a financial budget; set aside a portion of my income into savings; focus on living in the present- the here and now; and to keep learning and growing as an individual- to love myself and embrace the things I love; to be grateful for the positive things in my life and to remember that through the struggles, there are lessons to be learned and wisdom to gain.

I appreciate those of you who visit my blog regularly and leave comments. I appreciate those of you whom have inspired me through your blog stories and posts. I wish you all a joyous New Year filled with love and the things that matter most to you.

Sweetest Sister

2010-12-09T13:46:00.000-06:00

sweetest sister,
sit beside me.
let us drink our salts
and our sorrows,
sip on spiced dreams for tomorrow
and live in grace--
finding our place, together,
in eternity

This Old House

2010-11-29T05:50:00.000-06:00

The aged wooden planks in the hallway creak under pressure of the lightest footsteps- even on tiptoes it would be impossible to sneak up on someone. The outdated windows that remain let in a cold damp draft that soaked through my bones. The walls and cabinets were dingy and dirty, and the appliances coated in a collection of grime accumulated over several years. Outside the vines and brush had overtaken some of the shrubs and trees. The old house had been neglected for a long time. Yet, it shouted possibilities. I knew upon first inspection it would require oodles of back-breaking work to bring it back to its glory. I didn’t have to think twice about it- I knew what I wanted. I wanted this old house.

Upon moving all my earthly belongings in, I felt right at home. Like an old comfortable shoe, it fit well. Sandy and I went to work right away- scrubbing cabinets, windows and floors; putting a fresh coat of paint on the dingy walls; sanding and painting the abundant wood trim around doors and windows as well as putting fresh silicone in the cracks of the windows. When our hard work was done, we stood back and admired the transformation- it’s amazing what some TLC can do for a place. My current goal now is to finish hanging wall décor and window treatments. There are still two more rooms in need of fresh paint but they will wait a little longer.

I feel though I’ve found my “place”… this old house gives me a feeling of tranquility. The rooms are large and airy. Most days I open the windows, allowing a cool, fresh breeze to flow throughout. The screened-in porch is one of my favorite areas for sipping coffee and watching birds and squirrels scamper about in the surrounding oak trees. When walking in the back yard, I think of future summers when my grandsons will enjoy playing in the in-ground swimming pool. The wooden fence surrounding the back yard has ornamental plant hangers already in place and when Spring arrives I plan to hang colorful baskets of flowers on them. I imagine the butterflies and hummingbirds that will visit when I plant fresh borders of attractive, nectar-rich flowers. My bedroom doors open into the back yard, bringing me a feeling of serenity when I lazily lie in bed and watch the trees gently bend to the cool breeze and the dragonflies flutter by.

I watch my little dog run and play in the backyard- he didn’t have the freedom to do that before because he was kept on a leash while outdoors. When we first moved in, it took him a few days to become adjusted to all the new space indoors. He had to learn where all the interior doors led to and I often giggled at his confusion. He seems quite content here, just as we are.

I’m loving it :)

(My sister Sandy and her daughter moved in with me a couple of months ago. The arrangement has worked out great since it benefits us both personally and financially. The time together has created a closer bond between us. I'm grateful for this opportunity to become "friends" with my only sister. Though we've spent time together at family functions and we've been there for each other in our times of need, we never really "knew" each other. I'm beginning to realize what a blessing a sister can be.)

Soft Breeze

2010-10-21T08:21:00.000-05:00

I thought that you were walking beside me
but it was just a breeze blowing quietly.
It whipped my skirt and touched my face,
but it was only the breeze whispering softly.
It lifted a curl and caressed my nape,
as you with hands would do so naturally;
now zephyrous air is all that guides me.
no fingers through my hair, nor brushing my lips,
there is only the wind speaking softly beside me.

by queenofbeast, deviantart.com

October Forever

2010-10-14T09:32:00.000-05:00

As I watch from my sanctuary
Up off the ground
I see the world change color
From shades of green
To flames and fragments
Which the wind carries
To the edges of the Earth
Whistling as they go
The trees bleed their leaves
Crimson littering the ground
From the storms come and past
From the hearts shattering
And while the sun is setting
And the ground is wet with the sky's tears
You can hear the wings of ravens beating
The sigh of the vampires
The howl of the werewolves
Of October forever.

by Spooky-the-Boo, deviantart.com

Autumn Woman

2010-10-07T05:16:00.000-05:00

I will age like an Autumn Woman
My spirit full of Wealth and Wisdom
This little world of me will be drawn
Into a slow steady simmer of Autumn’s embrace...

My skin finely wrinkled like crispy
Fall leaves abandoned by sunlight
My lips made sweeter with mulled wine
Painted by the taste of Autumn’s harvest

My hair streaked with silver
Highlighted by her lucid moons
My belly full of knowledge reaped
From fields sown with life’s seeds

I will be bare but not barren
Beneath transparent skin my soul
Will feast on gathered memories
The warmth of them will suffice me
Through Winter’s bitter chills

Autumn’s grace will wrap
My tired bones in her aged quilt
With tattered seams and faded fabric
While I embrace the final show
Of her glorious season

Mountain Sunrise

2010-10-01T01:04:00.000-05:00

Stretching across the horizon
A light blanket of fog covers
The dewy hills
The early morning sun serenades
The clouds creating
A peaceful medley of
Bright orange and soft white swirls
And I imagine a giant dream-sicle
Melting in the sky above me
My body wrapped tightly in
A softy fuzzy blanket
From atop the cabin deck
I gaze over the valley
And with pure gratefulness
For those precious seconds of
Serenity, I watch the trails
Of breath as they swirl up
To heavens above
And fade away into the soft
Morning glow
Like dreams that vaporize
Into cloudy memories
During the haziness between
Sleep and consciousness
I draw breath
Feeling at peace in the world
Inspired by the unfolding beauty
Of the graceful mountain sunrise

(Photo taken in Great Smoky Mountains of Tennessee)

Welcome, Autumn!

2010-09-29T01:32:00.000-05:00

When the trees of summer glory

shed skins to red and gold;

When the summer nights lengthen,

and the nights start getting cold;

When the squirrels hide their acorns,

and animals disappear

We know Autumn is approaching

again this time of year.

My favorite thing about seeing September come to an end is knowing that just around the bend Autumn will begin to show its full glory. This week our daytime temperatures have been in the 80’s while at night they have dipped into the 60’s- the cooler air is a welcome relief from the muggy heat we’ve experienced this summer. I love Autumn in its peak- it is truly my favorite season. As October approaches, I will begin to enjoy the wonderful memories of autumn’s past, and I will absorb the wonder of the colorful transformation surrounding me.

Whisper Not Promises

2010-09-26T08:24:00.000-05:00

Whisper not promises
Seal them with the
Warmth of your lips
When in passion’s height
They long to murmur

While silence wraps us
In twilight sheets
Softly echo
Sweet sonnets of desire

Bestow your fingers
To confess their love
Upon my bare skin
Spare me not your warm breath
Upon every crevice
Of my being

Whisper not promises
But recite your desire’s psalm
While your moist lips leave
Poetic verses upon my skin

Foolish Ego

2010-09-23T04:57:00.000-05:00

Foolish ego, master of disguise
Articulate in your distortion of truth
I fell prey to your conspiracies to
Define my worth by society’s opinions

From the cradle of innocence
Your plan was mischievously appointed
A decree of deceit I inherited
For the namesake of morality and equality

And you, the superior teacher
In the school of falsehoods, molded me
And bended me into societal definitions
Of what is right and acceptable

Your insatiable hunger for attention
Feasted upon the approval of others
While you kept the truth concealed
Starving the search for my own reality

And all these years that I spent sleeping
While you prevailed in your charade
Created only chaos and confusion
While conflicting thoughts battled in my mind

But now, foolish ego, I am awaking
I am becoming ever so aware
Of your trickery and schemes to jest me
Into consuming more of the world’s expectations

As their perceptions of me become less important
I am basking in the light of my spirit
Like the moon is given light by the sun
And I am optimistically taking the lead now

Oh, but I know you will lurk in the shadows
Foolish ego, because you are like concrete
Adhering to the cracks in my soul
You’ll reveal yourself in my weakest moments

Yet I will continue my journey to self awareness
While you fall behind, further and further away
It is me who I want to be, not what the majority
Wants me to be… oh foolish ego!

Photographs and Memories

2010-09-20T02:07:00.000-05:00

~ Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever . . . it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything. ~

Aaron Siskind

My children would often say, “Mom, pleaseeeee, no more pictures!”. I would smile. I knew they didn’t comprehend my love for taking photos. Now let me explain-

The camera lens becomes my eyes
Through them I see life, living, being
I capture those moments, perfect or imperfect
And with a simple click, the shutter swallows a memory

It is my passion, my viewpoint of the world around me
It is my voice, echoing thousands of words
Spoken through my soul onto still images

Emotional experiences- love, joy, pain and sadness
Mirrored by facial expressions become paper shadows
Reflecting shared feelings among friends and loved ones
The future will take me back to them, as I travel
Through dusty boxes which hold treasured imprints of my past

Favorite places will be revisited and nature’s beauty remembered-
Significant holidays and special occasions relived
When my eyes unfold the pages of years gone by

My photos are evidence- I have lived, I have loved
Archives of my childhood spoken in old black and whites
While stories of my adult years recited upon chromatic stills

Later, when my eyes are impaired
and my voice is weakened by advanced stages of life
My photos will continue to share their story
In the eyes of my beloved grandchildren
As they browse through an old dusty box of memories

August Stranger

2010-09-13T08:25:00.000-05:00

August night and mirrored moon,

Glowing lights fade in velvet blue

The summer air dances amidst

The longing glances between us two

And the night floats like a lazy river

And we've just met on the chilly wade

And your strong shoulders quiver

Are you frozen or afraid?

I am your dreams stranger

In the dreary yellow light

I am a shade of hazy danger

In the alleys of the night

And you lean on me and shiver

As the lonely alley sighs

And I see with anxious fever

Trembling sparks in amber eyes

I am standing in the shadows
Of feelings you buried long ago
Your fantasy of love come true
Your fear of letting them show

Just within your arms reach
Yet still miles of heaven away
Your future, your past cloud your mind
Will I be your shadow of yesterday?

A Mother's Grief

2010-09-12T03:10:00.000-05:00

My friend and co-worker Bobbie called me before she went to work yesterday evening. She is concerned about her youngest son because she has suspicions that he is using Meth. She said she doesn’t know what to do, where to begin and knows little about the substance. She has never had to face one of her children having a drug addiction before. This is a first. Bobbie has three sons, of which all are adults and living away from home. The youngest son is a father of three and he is the one she is most concerned about. She knows I have been down that road, therefore, she looks to me for advice. I told her I would visit her at work during her break and we would talk about it.

I brought her a meal from the fixins I had prepared for dinner last night. She was grateful for the hot meal and we chatted while she ate. Afterward we took a brief walk outdoors in the cooler night air. I had done some online research for her and printed out some information about Meth and the signs of its abuse. She read a few lines then nearly broke down in tears while she spoke about the changes that had taken place in her son’s behavior recently. She spoke of his job loss, weight loss, insomnia and strange behavior. She said that one of her other sons had told her that the youngest one is indeed using Meth. She went on to say that she asked him about it and he denied it. She doesn’t know where to begin. She doesn’t want to lose her son to drug abuse. She feels like she must do something, anything, immediately to turn him around.

I listened to her while thinking of my own children. I recalled being in Bobbie’s position and how I felt when I realized that my younger children were using drugs, several years ago. I know what she is feeling. I understand the shock, disappointment, desperation, fear and all the emotions that a parent feels when they face the reality of drug abuse in their children. As a Mother, I felt the need to save my children from their own poor choices. After all, it is a natural instinct. I didn’t care that they were “adults”… they were still my children. They were risking their lives doing stupid things. I wanted to make them see the destructive path they were on. I didn’t want to lose them. I remember having the desire to rescue my children from their own doom. I tried everything I knew to do- inpatient rehabilitation, outpatient rehabilitation, counseling, listening, talking, praying and crying. I spent thousands of hard earned dollars to try to “save” them. Some of those efforts worked- briefly. Eventually, however, they would sink back into the vicious cycle of drug abuse.

Now, I realize that I can not change them. They must be determined enough to change for themselves. They must do it, I can not. I would support their efforts and be here for them, but they must make the decision to change. I continue to pray for my son and my daughter and have hope that they will want to change course in their lives one day.

Bobbie knows the road I’ve been on with my children. She knows about all the interventions that were tried with them. She knows of the heartache and anger I have faced over the past several years. She has listened to me as I poured out my soul to her about them. But she could not relate to the desperation I felt for the situation my children were in- until now. So I will listen to her and I will be here for her when she needs to pour out her soul. I will understand completely what she is going through.

But because each person is different and she knows her own son better than I do, I wasn’t going to try to tell her what to do. I did give her some information on agencies that could possibly assist her in learning how to cope and handle the situation. I am hoping that the outcome of her situation will be favorable rather than getting worse. I have come to realize that until an abuser is ready to stop abusing, there is little that loved ones can do for them… except for hope and prayer.

In Honor of Their Memory on 9/11

2010-09-11T08:33:00.000-05:00

Death rode upon the wings
Of monstrous extremists
Seeking to terrorize our nation
Dispersing their hideous message
Within flames of destruction

The skies wept with black ashes and
Memories of life, ones who existed
Then were gone within seconds
Their breath robbed by dark dragons of fire
More souls devoured in the rapids
Of the raging furnace

Desperate screams pierced
The thickened air, some of them
Praying for death to come quickly
For a few, death was cheated by flames
As they plunged to their own grave
While the world witnessed their climax

Thunderous rumbling of concrete and steel
Trumpeted its forewarning of total destruction
Blowing heavy clouds
Of toxic dust and ashes for miles
Before settling into the final resting place of
The mighty twin towers

A great nation daunted with shock and disbelief-
Our people wept

But from the ashes our nation rose-
A patriotic and spiritual rebirth
Unity and compassion sparked by
Countless stories of courage and heroism
Which surfaced above the fiery graves

Together we…
United
Prayed
Wept
Comforted
Hoped
Believed

Our spirit as a nation survived…
Unbroken by the cowardly act of hatred against us

Today, we will unite again
To honor those who gave
Their memories live on
We shall not forget

Night-Dreams

2010-09-09T14:41:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I lie awake at night and wish to silent stars that I could feel the warmth of your skin and the movement of your chest as you breath softly in your sleep. I night-dream without sleep- about you and all that you are and the way I feel when I’m with you, totally free to be the woman I am.

I think of the beautiful moments we’ve shared and how easy we are together, and I wish our nights would have lasted longer. I stretch my arms out for you, only to touch the soft fabric of an empty pillow. I write you love letters in my mind and when I try to recite them, all I can do is speak cloudily with words that give little meaning to what I feel inside- in awe of everything that is you, and everything that is possibly, wishfully, and longingly us.

If you were the moon I’d be nighttime’s navy breath in your craters. If you were the sand I’d be the rolling waves submerging every golden grain of you. If you were a heart I’d be the encasing ribcage and the hot blood in your arteries.

If I wrote you a lullaby with verses of moonlit, fogged breath and a chorus of heartbeats- would you fall asleep with our melody in your palms?

Would you dream about us with your eyes wide open, wishing upon the same silent stars and imagining my soft breath upon your chest as I sweetly slumber in your warm embrace?

I Am Grateful

2010-09-06T02:53:00.000-05:00

I am grateful for the times I was weak

Because of them I am stronger

I am grateful for the times I made bad choices

Because of them I am wiser

I am grateful for the storms that came

Because of them I have perserverance

I am grateful for the times I have fallen

Because of them I can stand up

I am grateful for the bridges that have broken

Because of them I can build new ones

I am grateful for the times I was blind

Because of them I can now see

I am grateful for the hiding places

Because of them I can now find me

A Lesson in Honesty

2010-09-05T03:10:00.000-05:00

I read this on deviantart.com and thought it was important enough to share... it makes perfect sense.

If ever there were a weapon sharper than that of a blade that could be released upon the world in the form of a word, a vocal voicing of all that is true, it would be that which we know of as honesty. It truly has more power than many have come to accept. It's unfortunate that a large number of civilized people choose to create fictitious remarks, stories, or statements; whether it is to make themselves, or someone else, feel better.

The courage it takes for one to truly be honest to themselves as well as the world around them is one that should be awarded. It is not easy to always be true. Sometimes it seems like it may be easiest just to falsify something to make like move to the next stage in an easier manner. This however, is simply denying the need to grow as a human, and learn from the hardships of life.

We can never escape the multitude of things that may bring us down throughout our time spent on Earth. These events may differ in severity, as no one event is the same, nor can you ever fully be prepared for the ones that pull the strings of our emotions. Even so, this does not create an excuse to fabricate an easy way out of these situations.

Through these created false truths we may find hope and comfort. This comfort however, will not likely last for too long. A lie can only carry on for so long before it is either unveiled or it must be covered by another lie. This creates an ever growing maze of walls which are created from that which is not true. Walls of lies never last forever, they almost always collapse on the creator in a glorious moment of pain and struggle.

We as humans tend to make these lies to spare the trouble or pain we may bring upon them. The reason why these small acts aren't as promising as they may seem at the beginning of creation is simply because once the destruction of the 'truth' has been discovered; the pain becomes amplified.

In the end this simple act which is seen as kindness will usually end up becoming a weapon of destruction which can have horrifying effects. These are the types of events, when unraveled, shake up the very foundation of our most cherished relationships and can alter the way the people in those relationships view us forever.

Trust is often hard to gain yet it is easily shredded from these said relationships. It is the bond that allows us to share information as well as share our raw emotions. Our most embarrassing moments can be spoken and produce a much stronger character, only if there is trust.

It is when we lose this ever-important guardian of hope that we begin to question that which we have experienced before. If we lose trust in another, we begin to question all that has come before and after that singular moment of loss. Things become hard to believe and often rarely return to the original comfort that was once shared.

While examining the loss of trust causes by reckless abandon of truth, we can see just how powerful our own honesty can really be. It can construct feelings of respect and admiration. The truth bonds us together; it creates comfort in our day to day lives and our relationships which are impossible to live without.

It is understandable how one may be blinded by the truth of a lie, for it can often seem the least harmful way of solving conflict. However, sparing those we love from the truth is in turn stealing from them that which is needed in which to grow. Growth is the key to life, we must forever move forward. Only through truth can we accept our mistakes, weaknesses, and losses. With this information our race can truly shine and break through that which constantly holds us back.

As hard as it may be to see someone in pain, pain is a driving force for the change that we often need but refuse to accept. Lies will only create a false belief that everything is as good as it can be and that nothing needs a second look. We must be able to accept the truth in our world. There is no avoiding that which is real; those who try will only end up self-destructing and feeling lost and hopeless in the realization of that which is true.

Humanity is armed with the weapons necessary for change and for peace. We must look within ourselves for these tools and strike hard with them. Spread the truth and provoke change within yourself and others. Honesty's power is oft underestimated, but cannot be overestimated. The pain which may be caused is only second to the ever important change that we must always look for in ourselves.

If you feel justified in your lies by the fact that you are saving a soul from the heartbreak of truth, maybe a second look at who is hiding behind lies is needed. Never should one be in a situation in which the truth cannot be spoken freely. Any situation one has where a lie seems rational is indeed a lie itself. No one should ever put themselves in a spot where they need to lie to keep from crushing others.

These simple acts of falsity build upon themselves and unleash the unavoidable moment of destruction and loss just when all hope seems to have prevailed. Once the truth has been revealed, after hiding behind the mountains of deceit, this pain is evermore crushing than the truth could ever have been. It is out of respect and sincerity in which we use honesty. This is something we can never forget.

Written by GlxyDs, deviantart.com

The subject of honesty has weighed heavily on my mind the past few days. I wonder how much heartache and trouble I could have saved myself and others if I had only been honest through the years. By being dishonest with myself, I kept pain and hurt buried deep inside. I avoided facing the truth by wearing all those different masks... the happy housewife, the clown in a crowd, the one with a constant smile, the friend of all. I tried to please everyone because I didn't want to disappoint them. They saw me as a strong, capable woman... yet they didn't know the insecurities that imprisoned me inside. I have come to the conclusion that living a lie was the easy way out. I didn't want to face the ugly truths inside. Admitting the truth would have meant that I would have to hurt those whom I love, I would lose their trust, I would admit to being a coward, and the results of doing that would have meant that I would have to change the course of direction in my life. On the other hand, that's just what I needed... a change in the direction of my life. So being honest would have given me the power to do just that- change my life.

I know I can not change the past now. All I can do is try to make the best of what's left. I must let the truth set me free...

Thoughts on Love

2010-09-03T03:49:00.000-05:00

My thoughts have flirted with the meaning of love and how my attitude towards it has changed over the years. As a teen, love was a fairy tale dream filled with thoughts of the ideal relationship- a couple who is always happy and content with each other, constant kisses and smiles and having the perfect kids. I used to daydream of being a perfect little housewife who takes her kids to the park, cooks wonderful meals, has a beautiful flower garden surrounding a quaint little house with a white picket fence. Yes… the picture perfect life in my young mind.

As my teen years progressed and I met Charlie, I still had those same dreams of the perfect life… but I began to realize that relationships are far from perfect. Especially our relationship. Being the insecure and co-dependent person that I was then, I allowed myself to stay in a dysfunctional relationship with him. Through our early years of marriage my dreams of that perfect life faded and I became disillusioned with the entire idea of having a happy marriage and perfect kids. The reality of life sank in like heavy dust upon my dreams.

I became more like a robot- just functioning through the everyday grind of life’s chores. I focused more on the meaning of being a good mother than anything else. I gave myself to my children. They were the main objects of my affection. I felt that my children loved me unconditionally. I could mess up and they would forgive me. I could be fat or skinny and they still loved me. I didn’t have to be perfect in their eyes. I felt that way when they were young. As they became teens, I felt that some “conditions” were attached in our relationship. They demanded more from me, they began pointing out some of my imperfections, and they began criticizing Charlie and I both for our lack of parental skills.

For the most part of our marriage, I felt that I was never good enough for Charlie. Even in our early years when I was thin, I felt too self-conscious of my body. I compared mine to the bodies of actresses who were far more beautiful than I would ever dare to be. My own insecurities were reinforced when Charlie flirted with other women or looked at porn magazines. I wondered what he saw in them that he didn’t see in me. As I began putting on more weight my insecurities worsened. I was so unhappy with myself, therefore, I felt very unattractive and worthless as a wife. We went through a period where he constantly picked on me about my weight, making crude jokes about it, and that only heightened my own feelings of worthlessness.

During those years, I viewed love as something I could give to my children and family. My children and family meant everything to me. I placed my own desires to be loved as a woman on hold while I focused on trying to survive the struggles of life and taking care of my children. I still had dreams of being loved and of having a happy relationship but I would whisk them away while trying to convince myself that it wasn’t that important to me.

How did I feel about love and marriage at that time? I felt that love between a man and a woman should be eternal, till death us do part. I felt that a man should love his wife more than anything else. She should be the most important person in his life. I felt that infidelity was the ultimate betrayal. I felt that a couple should love each other completely, give unselfishly and treat each other with trust and consideration.

I had high expectations. I lived in a make believe world, and when reality disrupted these strict beliefs I held, I became angry and bitter. Once infidelity became a reality in our marriage, my own insecurities walled me in with a hardened heart. I would become distant for a while. I didn’t want to be hurt again. I would say that I forgive the infidelity but I didn’t, in reality. If I had truly forgiven it, I would not have harbored such bitterness. I treaded upon my own standards of being faithful once upon a time. I was looking for love but did not find it. I then just buried my feelings and built a wall around my heart. Being loved the way I wanted to be loved was only an illusion.

I was a product of childhood incest and rape, therefore it was difficult for me to trust someone, especially men. For that reason, trust was and still is a major issue with me. Once trust is broken, it takes a long time to restore it. When it is restored, it is never the same again. I could compare it to a porcelain object that gets broken… though it can be glued back together, there are still miniscule cracks in it which make it more delicate and imperfect.

My viewpoint of love has changed over the past few years. As I’ve grown as a person and matured in my thinking process, I have come to realize that love should never mean trying to control other people. I now realize that I can not force others to believe as I do- for doing so would be unrealistic and selfish on my behalf. Everyone has their own thoughts and feelings.

I realize that most people act on their emotions. I know I do- not as much now as I used to, but I still allow my emotions to control me sometimes, rather than controlling them. I said that to get to this- when I look back now on our marriage, I realize that Charlie and I both acted on our emotions most of the time. He had a tough childhood and brought a lot of baggage into our relationship. I did as well. I can say with all honesty that I no longer harbor bitterness about the past. What would that accomplish? Why should I? The past is the past, it is gone, done. I hold no bitterness in my heart toward Charlie for past mistakes. I hold no bitterness in my heart toward myself for past mistakes. It’s just that plain and simple.

I feel I have grown so much as a person the past year or so, especially the last few months. Yes, I have had periods of depression and periods of self-doubt. I have been on a roller coaster with my emotions- up and down, up and down. During those down times, I have allowed negative thinking to tell me that I am just a mental case, that I don’t know what I want, that I am too weak to stand up for myself. But right now, at this very moment, I feel strong. And I realize that my feelings are real, that I am not crazy, that I just allow guilt to rule my life.

I think that when you love someone, you do not try to control, dominate or manipulate that person. You allow that person to be who he or she is as an individual. You want the one you love to be the best he or she can be. Therefore, you give them the freedom to do that, and you encourage it as well. You realize that you can be an individual yet you can be part of a loving “team” of two. When you love someone, you give that person the freedom to speak openly and honestly about their needs and feelings. You listen. That is so important. Listen to your partner with your ears, your mind, your heart. Try to understand what is going on with your partner. Even if you are emotionally hurt by your partner’s honesty, try to understand why those feelings exist… on both sides. Allow your partner to be honest. It is a treasure. What is a relationship without honesty and effective communication? It is a disaster. It harbors fear and allows bitterness and anger to grow. When you truly love someone, you realize that your partner is only human, not a God who never makes mistakes. You may be disappointed in their mistakes, but you try to understand the reasons behind them. When you love someone, you also realize when it is time to let them go. Remember, you can not force someone to love you back. When you come to the realization that the relationship is not working and you and your partner can no longer fulfill each other’s needs, you learn to let go. In reality, it is selfish to try and hold on to a relationship that has already met its end- you and your partner are both being deprived of happiness and serenity. You must allow yourself to move on or you will be caught up in misery. Just because you move forward in your life does not mean that you no longer love or care for your partner, it just means that you realize that the relationship is at a standstill and can no longer grow- it has become stagnant, in other words. You and your partner become stagnant as well- unable to grow with each other, unable to nurture each other and to blossom together. A stagnant relationship can become gangrenous- eating away at your spirit, creating a big rotten hole in the core of your universe, your heart. Who are you benefiting if you are dead inside? No one- not yourself, not your partner, not others you love.

I have reached a point in my life when I want to be honest- with myself first of all, and with others. In order to live, I must move forward. I must seek that which I want. I must cut off stagnant relationships and learn to let go. I must learn to let the guilt go, to control it rather than allowing it to control me. Freedom is within my reach if I will take the opportunity to fight for it. It is my life. My life! My choices. And it is damn well worth fighting for.

Stay

2010-08-30T03:04:00.000-05:00

I have waited...

A lifetime knowing

You were there

Among those with false pretense

A light gleaming in darkness

A lighthouse appeared

On distant shores

And I knew you were there

I followed the luminous rays

Slowly but deliberately

While scrutinizing every step

Along the rocky path

My mind deviating back and forth

Between Hope and Fear

Fear and Hope

Afraid to feel that which

I have longed to find

Yet hopeful your patience would endure

Afraid to force even more changes

into my life

Yet longing for the feel of change

Afraid to make a commitment

Yet longing for a true sense of security

Why does such doubt chase me

like a ghost in the darkness?

You are the torch that lights my way

Lifting my spirit like the breath of angel's wings

I am moved by the way you love me

For who I am

Just stay...

Stay with me

Your light warms my soul

And in your arms I find comfort

Your smile reassures me

And in your love my heart feels at home

Stay

I have waited...

A lifetime knowing

You were there

Longing

2010-08-19T19:49:00.000-05:00

Lips pressed on glass leave a mark
A promise of kisses to come.

Holding this picture frame
I can see you, but it's not you.
The camera missed your scent
It couldn't capture the heat of your breath.
Leaving out all the things that make you real,
and reminding me that you are not really here.

Glass separates me from this image of you
like a compressed form of the miles between us.
If only I could smash those miles so easily
I'd reach through the hole, and kiss you deeply.

But for now all I can do is press my lips on this glass,
making one more promise.

by emptyluckystrange, deviantart.com

Silent Chaos

2010-08-16T20:45:00.000-05:00

Most days
I can keep the wolves away
I hum happy tunes
While sometimes dancing
To an inviting beat
I busy my hands with words
Written from rampant thoughts
Or search for inspiration
While reading the thoughts
And experiences of others.
Or chat with online friends
As the day becomes lost
In my mindless track of time.

But some days
I can’t escape.

The quiet house
Echoes emptiness.

Thoughts of longing
Corner me in the silence.

Silence is all that greets me
When I step into myself.
Silence that is eerie and unnatural
Giving me too much time to think

Thoughts of
life and death,
Joy and sadness,
Gains and losses,
Friends, family
and enemies,
Hopes and dreams,
The future,
Fear, mystery,
The unknown.

In the chaotic mix
Of thoughts
I hear crying, laughing,
Cussing and screaming,
As conversations overlap
And overwhelm my
Quiet clearing.

No need to fight it
I cover my head
My eyes shut tight
And give in
My mind disintegrated
By the chaos within
And I can do nothing
But weep.

Shed the Pretense

2010-08-15T23:40:00.000-05:00

My own reflection sometimes smeared
By this tumultuous metamorphose
Power struggles between the old and new
Battle upon the chaotic fields of my mind
Sometimes damn near my breaking point
Yet I keep chiseling away who I was
In hopes of who I can be
From this midpoint
I become afraid of the unknown
Is this change really for the better?
It seems the more I work to simplify it
The more complications arise
Each cure is but a symptom
Of a new ailment to be produced
As I’m repairing myself
I’m breaking the others…
I can bear no hate towards their response
Their frustration with this change
That even I have yet to fully understand
Sitting here alone
Vulnerable to myself above all
I wish I could start this all anew
I wish I could shed the pretense

Music

2010-08-13T22:42:00.000-05:00

Music floods my senses

With sweet, tender melodies,

Washing over my body,

Touching my soul

And filling me with song.

Supple chords enrich the air

As they sing of deep emotion

In the language of the heart,

Breaking the barrier of words,

With only purest sentiments.

As the chords fill the hall,

Part lament, and part elation,

The heart opens up

And drinks in each sensation.

In the music of the night,

It will find it's not alone.

It finds companions for its sorrow,

Celebrants of its joy,

Peace with man and nature.

Music brings meaning

When it seems that all has gone.

In our crazy world, it's hard to find

Where we're going,

What matters most,

Why we carry on.

But when the music opens my heart

And I lose myself once again

In its rich texture,

I find some sanity,

Some sense of peace.

I know where I belong.

And when it stops,

And all is still, I raise my head once more,

Spirit renewed,

And ready to face

The challenges in store.

Author: Kaydence Maclaren

Images from deviantart.com

The Power Of Failure

2010-08-07T18:54:00.001-05:00

The truth is, we all fail sometimes. It doesn’t matter how much experience we have had or how many fancy initials are behind our names. The fact is, we have all failed along the way.

One of the most important things to remember about failure is this… failure is an EVENT, not a person!

How often have we failed at meeting our goal then allow ourselves to plunge into the depths of negativity? How often have we said, “What’s the use, I’m not going to make it anyway”. In the past, I have allowed such negative thinking to control my behavior.

Failure is a powerful learning tool, if we honestly look at why we failed and grab the opportunity to grow smarter and stronger.

To give you an example, I am going to share this story. There were two gold seekers, R.U. Darbby and his uncle, who found gold in a mine in Colorado. They purchased expensive tools to help them dig through the hard rocks in the mine but were unsuccessful in finding more gold. After a brief period of time, they gave up on their goal and sold the expensive tools for barely nothing. The purchaser of the tools hired a mining engineer who investigated the area, and guess what? He found the gold just three feet away from the last place Darbby and his uncle were digging! The lesson here is that many people are working hard to meet their goals but become tired and quit just before they reach success.

Remember, the darkest hours of the night are just before sunrise! Successful people are able to effectively cope with failure because they utilize failure as feedback and accept the fact that it is usually just temporary. They have learned to make adjustments in their life and believe in their own abilities to cope with setbacks.

The fear of failure keeps many people from experiencing the success they so dearly desire. Fear can lead us not only away from the thing we fear, but also away from the very thing we seek. Success comes from facing our fears and knowing that no matter what happens, we can make it back, we can learn to adapt. It is a constant process of growth and development. When we learn to recognize our shortcomings and determine valid solutions, when we are willing to stay committed to our goals and realize that failure is a stepping stone to success, then we will feel empowered.

Failure is going to happen, there is no way to avoid it or escape it. Yet we can use it to our own benefit. Make it happen! Work with failure and allow it to teach you, then you will be on the road to success!

My Inspiration

2010-08-04T19:54:00.000-05:00

Raindrops falling from the summer sky

Tears falling from grief-stricken eyes

The laughter of a million sighs

The taste of salt, the feel of lies

The vivid colors of a dream at night

A soothing taste of early morning light

Revisited memories and melodies

A bittersweet song from history

The taste of blood and misery

The pain of love and treachery

A hand held above the crowd

Screams of silence becoming loud

The scent of fear, the sound of joy

A heartfelt touch from girl to boy

A conversation never spoken

A promised love, another heart broken

Old paths worn with heavy guilt

Bridges burned and new ones built

New life blooming in the spring

Create the lyrics for my fingers to sing

With pen and paper bring forth my muse

Words of life in colorful hues

Imagination

Infactuation

And that is my inspiration

Thanks to all of you whom inspire me :) You are the best!

Imagination

2010-08-03T09:16:00.000-05:00

Imagination is more important

than Knowledge.

For while knowledge defines

all we currently know

and understand,

Imagination leads us to all

we might yet

discover and create.

(Author unknown)

Morning Can Wait

2010-08-01T03:06:00.000-05:00

Dawn greets me
With the makings of sunlight
Dancing with a gentle breeze
Between trees near my window

As I rise from the crinkled sheets
And stretch towards the light
Unfurling the pleasures of sleep
I think “Why get up?”

Such a beautiful morning
Is best dragged out
On these white sheets
Curled in a patch of sunlight

The morning can wait all day

Home Again

2010-07-31T06:59:00.000-05:00

Simple life shine through to the core of me
Textured walls rough to the touch
Floors of dull may be polished once more
Things can be made of these lost dreams
Will you call this home with me
A shelter of love
A place to roam free of fear
Something to miss
Somewhere to be
Someone to love
Sanctuary...

image: http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=home#/dc5je0
poem: VixRayne on deviantart.com

The Best Love

2010-07-30T03:38:00.000-05:00

The best Love

is the kind that

awakens the Soul

and makes us reach for more

that plants a Fire

in our hearts and brings

Peace to our minds.

~Author Unknown~

July

2010-07-15T04:15:00.000-05:00

Our love is lazy in July
and blooms between the curtains
bursting the shutters
and bentwood rockers in the garden
where you sit
sipping cool tea
and eating melon
lush as pink
the juice slowly trickling down
and bronzing my skin
where your fingers tell stories
on my lips gone warm with you.

scarlettletters, deviantart.com

Pink Trees

2010-07-14T14:50:00.000-05:00

I’ve walked a long and weary road;
A road without an end.
And when this road turns left or right,
I’ll dance around the bend.

But to my left and to my right,
Ride many vessels tall.
These ships they are of pink and white,
Along the running sprawl.

This thing name ship not half so tall,
And neither rides the waves.
‘Cept those of gentle breath and breeze—
She’ll neither sink nor cave.

But in the Summer and the sun,
And even into Fall,
When Springtime rain has come and gone,
These buds begin to fall.

Warm in the wake of summer’s breeze,
Trail blossoms pink and white.
One day, I’m sure, I’ll tell my love,
This summer Solstice sight.

I’ve stood where brave men weep to tell,
And sinners walk no more.
But on this tree-lined road I’ll find,
What I’ve been searching for:

A heart and home to call my own,
Where flowers freely grow.
Where daylight shadows come no more,
And flowers freely grow.

Author: Telc, deviantart.com
Images from deviantart.com

Seek Wisdom

2010-07-12T18:27:00.000-05:00

Some people will travel over great distances
Ever searching for the answers they need
Each has their own method of seeking
Kneeling in prayer, hoping for divine guidance

We consult fortune tellers, try tarot cards
Information on the internet, sometimes too much
Speaking to others, learning from experience
Do we listen to our own instincts? Maybe we should
Open your heart and mind, let them guide you
Meditate on it for a while, the answer will come

from nid311, deviantart.com

Serenity

2010-07-11T08:19:00.000-05:00

The silence slips in
Through the chaotic day
Bringing inspiration
While concentrating
On the completely inane
I find myself
Amid the nothing special
Just breathing
A sense of relieving
The tension within
Seeping from my pores
Leaving only serenity.

analillithbar, deviantart.com

Friday 55: July Night

2010-07-09T03:20:00.000-05:00

The heat of the night is

warm and heavy

Humid beads crown my forehead

A blanket of stars wrap around the serene sky
Breezes gentle enough to touch emit
Sweet fragrances of the night
Jasmine and honeysuckle

Life stirs so leisurely
In the sweet night air
And like a siren calling
It draws me in

Want to participate in Flash Fiction Friday? Write your story using exactly 55 words, no more or no less, and tell the g-man here .

Young Love

2010-07-08T04:15:00.000-05:00

Remember when...

There was no YOU, no ME

Just WE

Love, a poignant drama

Writing its unrehearsed script

Into our childish hearts

We grasped forever

Like a magic wand

Sprinkling our immortal souls

With eternal dust of fairy tales

Love was our kingdom

Fantasy our playground

Where invisible rules and boundaries

Allowed us to explore our

Youthful emotions, often tangled

With threads of confusion

We believed that love

Was infinite, even in death

Our illusion untouched by reality

And unstained by impurity

In our mystic paradise

Our promises of undying love

Were sealed with worthy intentions

Untested by life's theories

The magical moments

Of our young love

Still snuggle beneath the blanket

Of my warm memories

Fitting perfectly,

Like Cinderella's slipper

Granny's Front Porch

2010-07-07T08:17:00.000-05:00

On the front porch with Granny
Watching her lazily swing back and forth
Her floral cotton dress dotted with
Spots of dark perspiration
Her tossled hair dampened with
The sweat of summer’s dew

Silly giggles echo
From my summer time friend and I
As we throw pebbles from the gravel driveway
At buzzing bumble bees
Trying to steal sweet nectar from Granny’s flowers

Our dirty bare feet
Rush to grab a fishing net
Just in the nick of time
To greet hummingbirds that flock
Around Granny’s pink crepe myrtles
Mischievous laughter from silly girls
As we watch scarlet wings flutter by
Lightening quick, too fast for untrained hands

Then suddenly her annoyed threats
Thunder above our loud laughter and
capture our brief childish attention
And we watch her lazily swing
Back and forth, holding
A thin wooden twig, gently swooshing it
Over the hem of her floral cotton dress
As if to frighten us with the threat of lashes
Upon our tanned little legs

We nearly believe her
As we sit quietly for a moment
Which seems like forever
Exchanging playful glances and
Whispering silly nothings
Sweeping the dusty wooden porch
With our dirty summer feet
While we watch the return
Of hummingbirds and bumble bees
Shamelessly steal the
sweet nectar from Granny’s flowers

Fireflies

2010-07-06T01:35:00.001-05:00

Watching. Waiting.

Magic… little glimpses of light

Bursts forth seconds away

From tiny fingers

Grasping at invisible wings

Outstretched hands

Reaching into darkness

A light, a shadow

And a light once more

Suspense, excitement

A beaming ray escapes again

Then confusion

Little lips pout

Waiting in childlike misery

A glimpse, a glimmer

On again

A light, a shadow

And a light once more

Silenced Voices

2010-07-05T14:50:00.000-05:00

i hear their voices

the ones silenced by illness

spoken to me through distant eyes

loud whispers in quiet stillness

their eyes often surrender

the voice they can't express

through sorrowful grimaces made

with brow lines deeply recessed

their bodies lie motionless

yet their eyes always reveal

secret agony spoken

through tears the eyes can't conceal

no, i can not heal them

and often question god's choices

but mercy and compassion i give

when i hear their silenced voices

~ To the many debilitated patients whom have no voice of their own ~

Fourth of July

2010-07-03T08:21:00.000-05:00

Fourth of July

our freedom still true

Fireworks light the sky

the red, white and blue

American flags wave high

in the air

This union of liberty and

justice we share

And "We the People"

have the right to decide

to wrongfully neglect or

in our country take pride

When the "Pledge of Allegiance"

is spoken

Take reverence in its meaning and

our unity unbroken

* * * * *

Some of you may be too young to remember Red Skelton, but I remember him well. I loved to watch his show way back when... A lot has changed since then... I wish you all a Happy Fourth of July... Enjoy!!!

Break Free

2010-07-02T01:19:00.000-05:00

I don't have a 55 to post today, but I will be happy to read some of yours.

What I do have, and am very pleased with, is a poem written by my son... his own words. What I see is HOPE in his message. What I see are CHANGES taking place in his life. I want to shout for joy, yet I fear he will relapse. It may sound though I have no hope, but I do. I have clung to hope for many years, and have often prayed for his safety during the difficult times he has wandered in the lost wilderness of his life. It is faith in him that I lack, because of his past relapses and the heartache I have endured.

But today I have great news to share...he passed a urine drug screen and now has a full-time job! The first real job he has had since his back injury about two years ago. He has been getting out of bed early each morning and going to work without complaining. He does talk about how his back hurts by the time his work day is done, but for the first time in a long time, he has shown some motivation and determination. His attitude has improved and so has his self-confidence. I see him smile more than he has in years... I feel though he is finally finding his way. I am smiling all over :) :) :) All the while whispering prayers for his continued journey on the road to recovery.

BREAK FREE

sitting alone, fire in my heart

hurting the ones i love

without giving it a thought

filled with anger and grief

trying to just run away

from the anger and hurt

i have caused today

what will it take? i ask myself

trying to put away regret on a shelf

i know what i have done

but why can't i face it?

wishing i could take my past

and just erase it

but what would that justify?

why am i living in denial?

tears run down my face

filled with hurt and disgrace

i try to face my demons

wake up in the night

can you hear me screaming?

it's time i face my fears

it's time i be a man

show everyone that loves me

that i really can

i can't give up on myself

for you never gave up on me

it's time i stand and fight

myself against an army

and i know i will prevail

for you have taught me well

i'm sorry for pushing you

making your life hell

i can't feel sorry for myself anymore

it's time to move on

and put my past behind that door

i love you so much

and my love is pure

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

May peace be with you, my son... find your way, the path to your inner self, and there you will find you are at home.

Out in the Fields with God

2010-07-01T04:36:00.000-05:00

the little cares that fretted me

i lost them yesterday

among the fields above the sea

among the winds at play

among the lowing of the herds

the rustling of the trees

among the singing of the birds

the humming of the bees

the foolish fears of what might happen

i cast them all away

among the clover-scented grass

among the new mown hay

among the husking of the corn

where drowsy poppies nod

where ill thoughts die and good are born

out in the fields with god

Author: Louise Imogen Gutney

Images: polyvore.com

A good walk along a nature trail...

restores my soul

delights my senses

warms my spirit

brings a smile to my heart

I should take it daily, like a multivitamin, for emotional well-being :)

Wordless Wednesday: Summer Barbeque

2010-06-30T21:25:00.000-05:00

Hungry yet?

Ideals

2010-06-29T16:00:00.000-05:00

Ideals are like stars...

you will not succeed in touching them with your hands,

but like the seafaring man on the desert of waters,

you choose them as your guides, and,

following them,

you reach your destiny.

Carl Schurz

(image: rainofstarsbymarka, deviantart)

Paint Me

2010-06-28T13:28:00.002-05:00

Paint me with the colors of your love

Soft strokes from the brush of your fingertips

Shades of red from the essence of your heart

With tender desire a touch of your lips

Compose upon my soul a masterpiece

Delicate hues of passionate pleasure

Shades of blue from your alluring affection

Endearing art, love's garden to treasure

Art: Love by LeonidAfremov, deviantart.com

Precious Moments with Family

2010-06-27T23:44:00.000-05:00

I had a wonderful visit with my oldest daughter and grandsons this weekend. We enjoyed the company of each other while watching the young ones play. We went out to dinner on Saturday night and had a delicious seafood meal. It was good to get away for the weekend... different environment and being around loved ones does my heart some good :) Today was Matthew's 6th birthday and we celebrated with him at a party held at Chuck E. Cheese's. It was delightful to watch the kiddos expressions as they had fun playing on the various games, eating pizza and birthday cake then opening gifts. Nothing like being around happy children to lift our spirits!

Nathan, the one year old, is the image of his Mom at that age. His physical features and his mannerisms bring back so many memories from 33 years ago. He is a cutie pie but has a temper already! He is strong-willed and knows exactly what he wants, and settles for nothing less. I giggled as my daughter said, "Guess I'm getting payback now, huh?"... "Uh huh", I smiled, "but don't fret too much, you turned out okay". The strong will she carried as a child has successfully helped her through many challenges as an adult.

I've had this poem tucked away for some time and upon reading it again, these words describe how I see Nathan as being the reflection of his Mother...

Child of my Child

Heart of my Heart

Your smile bridges the years between us

I am young again, discovering

The world through your eyes.

You have the time to listen

And I have the time to spend,

Delighted to gaze at familiar

Loved features made new in you again.

Through you I see the future

Through me you'll see the past.

In the present we love one another

As long as these moments last.

(Author unknown)

Give Them The Flowers Now!

2010-06-26T01:24:00.000-05:00

Closed eyes can't see the white roses

Cold hands can't hold them, you know

Breath that is stilled can not gather

The odors that sweet from them blow

Death, with a peace beyond dreaming

Its children of earth doth endow

Life is the time we can help them

So give them the flowers now!

Here are the struggles and striving

Here are the cares and the tears

Now is the time to be smoothing

The frowns and the furrows and fear

What to closed eyes are kind sayings?

What to hushed heart is deep vow?

Naught can avail after parting

So give them the flowers now!

Just a kind word or a greeting

Just a warm grasp or a smile

There are the flowers that will lighten

The burdens for many a mile

After the journey is over

What is the use of them, how

Can they carry them who must be carried?

Oh, give them the flowers now!

Blooms from the happy heart's garden

Plucked in the spirit of love

Blooms that are earthly reflections

Of flowers that blossom above

Words can not tell what a measure

Of blessing such gifts will allow

To dwell in the lives of many

So give them the flowers now!

~ Leigh M. Hodges ~

I love this. We can give "flowers" to those we care about while they are still breathing,

still living. Life, with its strife and hurt, with its ups and downs, with its grace and beauty among the ashes and ruin.

We can give flowers from the spirit of our love and thoughtfulness... a smile, a hand to hold, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry upon and a friend to be there.

How often do we intend to do something meaningful for someone and allow other things to supercede our intention? I, for one, am guilty. We become so entangled in everyday life and tasks that time gets away. Sometimes we just need to stop and listen to our heart. Look around... remember, is there a friend or loved one whom needs our emotional support? What could we do to make a difference?

I recall many years ago when my family was going through great financial difficulty and the stress of it weighed me down tremendously. I was at work when I received a phone call to come to the main office. When I got there, a basket of fresh homemade biscuits and gourmet jelly was waiting for me. There was a note attached, from a friend... "Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you today". How precious her act of kindness was! I will never forget her thoughtfulness and how she brought sunshine to my day. She gave me the flowers... of a caring attitude.

I will be traveling out of town this weekend to spend time with my daughter and grandsons. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend precious peeps!

Love and Hugs!!!

55: Black Gold

2010-06-24T19:29:00.001-05:00

black gold the zealous catalyst

to human greed and human err

a thrilled rush to greater profits

a grand corporate love affair

now their lust thoughtlessly spent

future debt forever imparted

upon struggling lives that survived

and loved ones of those departed

... and tears still pour

upon blackened shores

washed away with tides of death

**********

As of a few days ago, news reports indicate that thus far there have been 100 million gallons of oil spilled into the waters of the gulf. The catastrophic effects of the incident has affected human and wild life. Lives lost, jobs lost... and the struggle continues to save the oil drenched animals and shorelines. Through the catastrophe, people have come together... environmental groups, companies and individuals are tirelessly working to help the cause. Human err created the disaster but human love continues the fight to save what remains. The people of this gulf coast region need our prayers and our support as they struggle to regain their livelihood.

Want to participate in Flash Fiction Friday... write your story in 55 words then go see the g-man

Color Blind

2010-06-24T00:36:00.001-05:00

I received a phone call a few days ago from one of my favorite uncles. This is a man whom has inspired me throughout my life. We have always been close and have maintained communication though distance has physically separated us. The conversation went like this:

Uncle: "I called to ask you something. What is this on R's Facebook page?" (R here represents my son)

Me: (I had no clue what he was referring to) "Ummmm, what are you referring to?"

Uncle: "You know what I'm talking about. His girlfriend is black."

Me: "And?"

Uncle: "You don't mean to tell me that you go along with that, do you?"

Me: "It's his choice. I have no problem with it. She's a nice girl".

Uncle: "Oh my god. I just can't believe that. I don't know what else to say."

Me: “Look, Uncle E., I don’t judge a person by skin color. To me, that is insignificant to their character. She is smart, pretty and one of the most decent girls he has ever dated.”

There was silence for a few moments. I attempted to lead the topic elsewhere by saying,

“So, how are you and the family doing?”…. continued silence as I waited for him to respond. Then he did.

Uncle: “I have nothing else to say right now. Another time.” Then a click. He hung up.

I was somewhat stunned. It was a topic he and I have never approached in years past. I didn’t know his feelings on interracial relationships until now. He spoke his opinion loud and clear, even through his silence.

Prejudice has stalked my family since childhood. It weaved arguments amidst family conversations and anger amongst some of the elder generations. I was introduced to prejudice when I began sixth grade, during which time desegregation of the public school systems was enacted. Unfortunately, my mother had strong feelings about racial issues and voiced her opinion without hesitation, often using the “N” word. Dad, on the other hand, did not share the same opinion as Mom and because of his influence, I grew up racially unbiased. As years passed, I learned it was best to avoid conversations with Mom regarding race because it only created an argument between us.

I believe there is good in people of all races and I treat them according to my beliefs. I see beyond the color of their skin, to the heart of their character. We all bleed the same color of red. Our physical bodies are all created with the same basic cells which each serve a selected purpose. If we were turned inside out, who could differentiate our skin color, except the trained eyes of a skilled pathologist? The qualities that make us different are our thought processes… the way we perceive the world around us and our reactions to various stimuli. Our own needs, goals and desires create our individuality. Hence we are all individual objects in this huge collection… of humans.

My views on this topic are uncommon, however, in this small community in the deep south. Here, the heart of prejudice still somewhat invokes separation of status and class. Here, people are often judged by not only their skin color, but their social status. I have witnessed an improvement in racial relations as years pass but it is mainly because the older generations are gradually fading away.

Years ago, this town in which I reside was featured on 20/20, due to an incident in which a young adult black male committed suicide. He was dating a white female. Their interracial relationship created problems between the girl and her family and eventually the girl broke off the relationship with her boyfriend. The suicide stirred angry emotions among members of the black community here and eventually created racially motivated disturbances. When famous leaders of civil rights organizations became involved, knowledge of the incident and after effects made local and national news.

When my daughters were young, I was a leader of the only racially mixed girl scout troop in this area. Initially, when some of the white parents found out that my troop was racially blended, they pulled their daughters out. Their opinions did not influence my decision… I would not turn a child away because of her skin color.

I wrote that to bring this point up… this is the type of environment my mother and my uncle grew up in. Back then, interracial relationships were taboo and, in most cases, a white person would be disowned by their family for doing that. So I understand why my uncle has his opinion, but… I do not have to agree with him. If he never speaks to me again, it will be his decision. I will not change my beliefs on this topic to suit his opinion or gain his approval.

This may sound harsh, but I wonder what qualities my son’s girlfriend sees in him. If you have been reading my blog, then you know what I mean. His behavior has brought much heartache to me and my family the past few years. She is a woman with strong beliefs in her faith and abilities. She is a wonderful mother. Even if she was not my son’s girlfriend, I would choose to have her as a friend. She attempts to encourage and inspire my son to make better choices and do something positive with his life. I hope he will listen and follow her advice.

I choose to care about people… not because of their skin color, what they possess, their titles or their power, but who they are.

Prejudices are rarely overcome by argument; not being founded in reason they cannot be destroyed by logic ~ Tyron Edwards

Images from polyvore.com

Wordless Wednesday: Favorite Summer Things

2010-06-23T08:32:00.003-05:00

All images from deviantart.com

Sermons We See

2010-06-22T14:15:00.000-05:00

I'd rather see a sermon than hear one any day

I'd rather one should walk with me than merely show the way

The eye's a better pupil and more willing than the ear

Fine counsel is confusing, but example's always clear

And the best of all the preachers are the men who live their creeds

For to see the good in action is what everybody needs

I can soon learn how to do it if you'll let me see it done

I can watch your hands in action, but your tongue too fast may run

And the lectures you deliver may be very wise and true

But I'd rather get my lesson by observing what you do

For I may misunderstand you and the high advice you give

But there's no misunderstanding how you act and how you live

Author: Edgar A. Guest, from the book "The Light of Faith".

An act of kindness from the heart goes much further than spoken words without action.

I Love to Laugh

2010-06-21T14:35:00.003-05:00

I love to laugh...
Freely
Loudly
Honestly

I love to laugh so hardy that...
my eyes gush with tears
my mouth is wide open
my voice trembles
while my throat is tickled
my chest heaves and
my breath is taken away
my tummy hurts
and my legs grow weak

And when my laughter

has subsided

I come to realize

I have peed in my pants

*giggle*